I am not sure what it was that triggered the light in my head, nevertheless I’m grateful it illuminated.
I always thought I would be the CEO of some major corporation or the Vice President of business development for some large fortune 500 company. In short I have spent nearly every waking moment chasing and being influenced by the almighty dollar. A life riddled with chasing the Jones’. I have let the “dollar” or lack there of influence nearly every major decision in my life. Moments lost that can never be regained.
About 5 years ago I literally stumbled into what would ultimately be a life changing moment. I was asked to head up the music program for a local church. This was an interesting and challenging proposition to say the least. It wasn’t long before I was disenchanted with the bureaucracy and politics that were so prevalent. While leading the music and developing the ministry brought me great joy, working with others seemed to be a daunting task.
So here I am 5 years later. I love God more than ever. His grace and mercy has had a profound effect on my life. He has changed me in ways I never new possible. I have led more than 500 worship services over the years and I am daily reminded of the power of music, and a life of worship. Amidst all of this I was empty inside. How could this be? This feeling of emptiness haunted me almost daily.
At 3:00 am a scripture I have heard a hundred times echoed loudly in my soul. “No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” This scripture took on new meaning, deeper meaning. It wasn’t about making a decision to serve God or not. It wasn’t about serving God and not having a career. It wasn’t about finding the balance. The simplicity was amazing. What it was about was the desires of my heart. There was a conflict internally. I was competing with what God had created me to be and what I thought I wanted to be. The two didn’t line up. My hearts desires were in turmoil. Truly my love for one brought resentment towards the other. The desires in my heart were for money, recognition, and power. Goodness the truth stings a little.
I have always believed that we were created for a divine purpose. I guess I thought it didn’t apply to me. The idea of a “divine purpose” was just some cliche for finding peace amidst pain, an attempt to answer the answerable. But now I see. It was there in front of me all along. The talents and gifts are not some intangible culmination of happenstance. It was intentional. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but myself. Nevertheless I am at peace.
I embrace a life of challenges. A life sure to see it’s share of joy and pain. It’s not life that has changed, but my outlook on life, how I see myself and my purpose. These eyes with which I view the world and myself see more clearly today. Is this what my creator has wanted me too see all along? I believe it is.
I have spent my entire adult life chasing the dream, or what I thought was the dream. My quest for “happiness” was almost always short lived. While there were certainly some temporary exceptions that seemed to provide an almost “manic” high, inevitably the disappointment always found it’s way in. Now that the war within is over, I can focus on the “love” for One.
